Friday, November 8, 2013

Beer cans && Fishin' Lures was a board on my (now defunct) Pinterest account. I named it that because I had hundreds of pins of nothing but shiny pretty objects that caught my attention. Because who am I kidding, I am the poster child for all things shiny and wonderful ;) I digress.... My favorite board was the one titled " Miss Stephanie Marie" It had all these little pins about things I enjoyed, shiny objects, make up, Chicago, babies, the Titanic, all things Deaf culture and ASL....OH! I almost forgot my real all-time fav-or-ite board...the one with all the sappy, boo-hoo-hoo quotes and song lyrics. Oh mercy. *sniff *sniif* I would cry but that means my make-up would run. If anyone that knows how much shellac I cake on, these black eyes would put Alice Cooper to shame, honestly.(PS. I do not apologize at all for it either, nope, no way, not in this lifetime, sister. It is part of my effect. Well, not this semester per say, been a little more Au natural, bc it's been nothin short of the 9th circle of hell round here, as of late...
To not be ungrammatical
-Note the absence of the 's'-

I deleted the account because I found myself wasting time on things that I do not have a need, use, or want for. I have enough stuff, crap, and things. The more I was on Pinterest, the more I found myself wanting more meaningless stuff, useless crap, and worthless things. I want and need to spend my life investing in people. Building loving, lasting,eternal relationships should be my focus.

Now please, pretty pretty please, just go with me on this. Stop rolling your eyes, well, go ahead. (Jesus 360- ILY Benny <3)  They won't get stuck that way I promise. If they did I would be so cross-eyed I wouldn't be able to throw a rock and hit the ground. 

I do not believe having a Pinterest account is bad, not in the least. However, for me, it was becoming a stumbling block. It was too easy for me to distract myself to look at recipes all day or to pin a board about home DYI projects, that I don't have a garage to do them in! Hello, I live in a condo downtwon Chi ! 

Now fundamentally there is nothing wrong with being able to look up how to use a mason jar in 100 creative new ways, but for me it was more than that. ( I know I know insert eye roll here. BUT it's a struggle for me) I would spend two hours on pining sappy lyrics or the picture of a sunset with a bible verse. Again, nothing wrong but it meant I wasn't doing anything. Just shaking my head at all the stuff I don't have. Sad Sad Stephanie. Oh look, what a cute pair of shoes, I need ANOTHER pair of shoes to collect dust in my closet.

But then I had to ask myself why? What about all of this virtual crap was so appealing? It is because it is an escape, for me.It means I get so focused on not having a garage with an SUV and 2.5 kids, that I forget about all that I do have. The more I would look at these pictures of other people's crap the more I wanted it. Come on! I could rattle you off 200 hundred pages of the cute stuff I saw on Pinterest that  I NEED!  However, that is not for me right now. I do believe all of those things in God's good time, but I can't wish my life away.

 As I have PAINFULLY learned, we ain't promised tomorrow. So If I spend all my time always redecorating my apartment I will never have time to have friends over to sit and chat. If I don't stop pinning away for things I don't have I will miss all that I do have. All of my blessings become a moot point if I am always peeking in the Jones' new-fancy-hand sewn-roman shaded-window. (Kudos to whomever can pull that off)

I have been practice interpreting TED talks. They are a series of amazing lectures from topics on the Paleo diet all the way to Gentrification. 

One of the talks is about whole-hearted living and learning to embrace every aspect of life. Dr. Brene Brown states the simple fact that we are the most obese, debt riddled, medicated, and sedated nation in the world. WOW. She also notes that people have a hard time dealing with any sort of discomfort. The more I looked around the more I had to agree. I am right there in the thick of it myself, heated toilet seats, anyone? 
Again, nothing wrong with a heated toilet seat at 2 am. (BRRR) However, at some point the madness has to stop.

 This year has been a very tough year in my for several reasons and in many ways. So when she said we don't like any discomfort GUILITY. It hit me right then and there. I am never still. I never just be. Those of you that know me are nodding your pretty little heads right now in agreement. That is ok, I know you love me and support me :
But what it means is that for the longest time I have just sat without my phone glued to face, or my headphones in, or the tv blaring. I don't like the discomfort. I can't stand the silence. It hurts. My heart hurts.  Uh, turned on the news lately? some people really understand the meaning of hurt. People losing their babies, mama standing over the grave of her child, people killing others over iPhones. Real life-altering pain some people experience.
I have learned God is good even when he is silent. I know that because I stood over the casket of someone I dearly love and miss this past year. I know first hand he was a witness to thousands of people he never met. I still don't get it. I aint happy about it. So I won't pretend I have made my peace with it. I also held my little chunky delicious new nephew. I saw that life starts and life ends, at any age, and without warning. You da man Cam, all 11 lbs & 7 Oz.OUCH && that head full of hair!

The real point of the talk was that there is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable and in pain. The longer we fight it the worse it becomes. It happens, it sucks, and it aint fair. But I didn't scoop out the oceans with my hands, and I don't know how many stars are in the sky, but I trust the person who does. So I will not be led astray by the temporary trappings, the beer cans and fishing lures, of this ol' world. It is quickly fading. 

I will embrace every season of my life because I know blowing the candles out on my birthday cake another year is a priceless act. *Sidenote, my sister makes amazing and delicious cakes * Much I have seen and much I have done. I understand happiness because I understand sorrow. I do believe there is beauty in brokenness and comfort somewhere down the road. 

So for now, I am doing my best to sit in the silence and walk through the fire but not be overcome. It burns but I am not consumed. Some people say when they get to heaven someday they have no questions. Well good, that leaves more time for me to ask mine. In the mean time, I will rock the babies to sleep, do my homework, and wash the dishes. 
I will be thankful for what I do have because I was given more than I deserve. 

So my prayer is that I continue to not lose sight of all that I do have, because I spent too much time looking and what I don't have. Maybe someday Pinterest and I will be old pals instead of arch enemies. Time will tell! 

One for the road...

1 comment:

manjit said...

Wow Steph! This is the first blog that I read of yours. Loved it!! Look forward in reading more :) Take care and God Bless!!