Travelin' Soldier

"...I guess we are all one phone call from our knees..."  Benny died on April 19, 2013.  I got a phone call from his mom, Brenda, on that blustery Chicago morning. The horrific information she had to share would send me straight to my knees.Truth be told I am still there. I'll never forget her trembling voice and the harsh words she spoke.."Benny is gone." She said them through her tears and disbelief. He was gone forever. All at once, my heart shattered, my eyes blurred with tears, and my mind raced with questions.  How? When? The most tormenting of all. WHY? 

The last question, why, still haunts me as I walk this lonesome road of loss and despair. Grief S.U.C.K.S. There is no way around it. When someone you love dies, a piece of you dies, too. The heart aches because it must now beat without all of its parts. No remedies for a broken heart. I wish there was some way to drown out the deafening silence of such a profound loss  What I wouldn't give for one more story, hear one more sweet laugh, or see that beautiful smile, just one more time. I miss you, Elvis. The only way to survive is to pray,cry, and cuddle up with a USMC pillow pet when this all seems to be too much to handle. 

If I told you Benny fought harder than anyone I have even seen fight, it would be an understatement. Benny's bravery and determination will always be in a league of its own, in my mind. He was a Marine. He was a fighter.  I was able to witness first hand his unwavering bravery. Ben made his way through insurmountable odds and physical pain that few can even comprehend. The GBS ravaged his body but not his spirit. 

His mom stayed by his side everyday with steadfast loyalty. I watched as she would graciously tackle whatever daunting tasks each day brought. She did it all, from brushing his teeth, to documenting this journey on his FB page. (https://www.facebook.com/CplBenjaminGardner?fref=ts). Brenda kept up pound for pound with the doctors.No MD initials can ever replace a mother's love. They had their fancy degrees and books smarts. However, it was no match for the wit and wisdom that she is blessed with.  Never in all of my life have I ever seen such tenderness and courage in one person. God gave her strength for all she had to endure day after day. Benny always asked "where is mom?" Every. Single. Time. I came in the room. That was always  his first question. Blessed me to always answer that she was on her way without fail. Come rain or come shine. In those early days of his illness all he knew was that his mama would never leave his side. She traveled all over this country to be her son's side. I believe they pulled from each other's love. Even when a mama pokes, prods, and asks too many questions. There is just nothing like your mother's love. 

The days have passed very slowly since Benny died. It's hell when I think off all he didn't get to do and see. He came so far and yet he still had so much that needed to be done. Ben and I were going to ride the CTA. (Chicago train) His job was to tell me how fast it went. Sometimes just hearing the freaking thing floods my eyes with tears. I am made painfully aware he will never get to ride it. This is a dark part of life for all of those that loved him. The grueling task of carrying on without him here sucks.  I do not believe this was all for not though. Even when that feeling is ever present.. His story reached thousands of people across the globe. Pastor Chad said that we are all used for God's glory. This means even when it hurts.  I do believe, with all of the pieces of my heart,  that something good will come out of all this.  However, it doesn't ease the sorrow and suffering. It's always a blessing to read his page that was filled with prayers, wisdom and encouragement. So many people came along on this journey of healing that ended up being his journey home. 

I haven't blogged in months.Nothing to really say until now. Just getting my thoughts out. I miss my Elvis. He was many things to many people. He was a friend that I was able to walk beside on his journey to the sky. He is in Heaven . One day I will see him again. What a hope we have. Keep his family in your hearts and prayers. They walk this lonely and painful road of life without their Benny. I believe there is nothing more heartbreaking than attending your own child's funeral.

 I am so thankful I have amazing people in my life that have prayed for me and cried with me. They have fulfilled the law of Christ by helping me walk this road. 

The measure of a man is what he leaves behind. You left your mark on this heart of mine, Benny. Your story lives on in those of us that love you. We will tell the world. Your light and laughter will sustain us for the days ahead. I miss you, everyday. I love you. Thank you for letting me walk along beside you. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. The last thing I said to you was that I would miss you. I do.I will for days I do not have you near. 

Those we love don't go away. They walk beside us, everyday. Unseen, Unheard, but always near. Still loved, still missed, and held so dear. <3

Butt Paste (Confessions of A Nanny Nanny Boo Boo Kisser)

Many of you know, some of you do not, I am a nanny. I have always loved children. I have mostly worked in Home Health Care for many years ( I miss you Anne & Marg) . Well, Chicago is a new city so time for something new! I am trading in my days of being knee deep in Depends & Metamucil for a little helping of  Butt Paste & Baby Yum Yum's. ( They are these waferish fruit flavored baby treats meant to soothe a fussy child and bring out enough drool to fill a large cement pond). Life is all about change right?! I have enjoyed my time being "the nanny." I will continue to do so while I attend Columbia! ( I know I know it's taking FOREVER!) Consider this your fair warning now! I will not apologize for the contents of this blog post. There will be talk about poop,farts,and, bodily functions of many forms. So if you are eating...might want to wait..or not...butt proceed with caution. (But remember I done told you this would be gross. Speaking of #2 go ahead and take a Lysol wipe over your keyboard. How do you know the person before you washed after they wiped?!)

Confession # 1

Anytime a child farts or burps in public the blame automatically falls on the adult. This happened  to me at Dominick's grocery store. The cute little crumb gobbler  who shall remain nameless! Nugget ;)  and I were having a grand ol' time until she ripped one that would put grown men to shame. I mean it was BAD. The man in the same aisle just looked at me and shook his head. No words were needed and what was there to say? Excuse me mam, you might want to check yourself. You could peel the paint off of a Buick with that kind of explosion. The potted plants by the cashier stand just all wilted and died! && PS you look like a real douchebag if you blame the child. Although it is tempting to blame it on those strained spinach and creamed pears.

Confession # 2

I have learned more words for poop in the last 5 months than I ever thought possible. This is by far one of the funniest aspects of my job. In no particular order here they are....poopa, dump, load, wad, stinky pete, meatball, brown clown, icky sticky, poopy pie,( Ok this one bothers me, please do not equate dropping off the Brown's off at the Superbowl to the scrumptiousness of the awesome wonderfulness of pie. K? Got it? Thanks!)  Turd pile,filling up the diaper...many more but these are just a few.

Confession # 3

When riding the CTA bus while on the job, I do not give a rat's butt if you stare at me while the baby cries. I am caring for someone's child, jackwagon! Ever been on a CTA bus?! Huh? There is some smooth riding. Please. There was less break slamming and horrible driving in my driver's ed class! Work with me here! I am not going to take the baby out of the stroller to soothe her on the off chance something would  happen the bus.  I can't even begin to imagine the dangers not having her in her stroller while the bus is in motion.  So rest assured I will stand in the same spot for 20 minutes and bouce the stroller, make faces at her, anything to keep her safe and happy until we arrive at our destination in one piece. Also, a huge thank you to the men that helped me off the bus that day. Not all strangers suck :)

Confession # 4

When I arrive at somenoe's house people have no shame answering the door half dressed. I mean grown men, at least 30 years old, for some reason ( I will never understand why) have no shame to stand their in their boxers, iron their work clothes, and talk about life. Umm.. Hello, you aint got no pants on! We are all adults here, yes, but eww. While we are on the subject of occupational hazards. I accidently found some adult toys one night while looking for band-aids. Seriously, kill me now. The kids are wonderful and the parents are great but ah-ha. I opend the drawer and suprise! I proceeded to very carefully push it closed with one finger. I was told to look in the bathroom drawer and I think they forgot that they wasn't no Band-aids in that drawer.( That was the for-our-married-eyes-only-drawer-don't-nobody-need-to-see-that)

Confession #5

I have "instincts." From what I am told darn good ones! I have just always loved children. I was talking to one of the mother's I nanny for and she spoke of the other nanny in a different light. Not negative, just not something you would write in a birthday card. She said she didnt' have those "instincts" like you do. You can read the baby, when she is tired, hungry, or just wants to be held. I have learned to trust my gut more. I am now more than ever aware of everyone who comes around my nanny child. Many times I am out for a walk or in public parks. I find myself noticing everyone who walks by. We can talk and be polite. However, I know without a doubt I would do anything for these kids. I would risk my own life in limb in a second for these children.(Even if they do fart loudly & in very public places!)  When I am pushing a stroller down the road I have someone's entire world in this four wheeled contraption. So I will do anything I possibly can to keep them safe and sound.

Confession # 6

I dance and sing (loudly, off key, out of time, and very loudly) However, the kids laugh and sing along with me ( or maybe they are trying to drown me out?! Hmmm ;) When I sing, normally, dogs bark and garage doors open but with the kids it's different. One of my favorite ways to pass the time is the take my Friday girl, Nugget (affectionately called Nugget. No, that is not her real name, her parents love her very much!) the 8 month old, and dance and sing around the kitchen. She laughs and tries to sing and claps her little nuggety fingers. It is by far one of the best times of my week. We twirl around the kitchen in a haze of laughter and music. For those few moments nothing else matters. Her giggles and squeals fill my heart with joy and a sense of promise. I know these moments are fleeting. I was at her house when I heard the news about Sandy Hook. I couldn't help but cry as I looked at her in her crib sleeping soundly. So these precios few moments I have to see the good in the world is what I will cling to when the horror, agony, and shock of the nightly news seems to be too much for this heart to take.

So there are many more stories to tell, noses to wipe, and books to read. But for now I am content. I will enjoy the time with these children. I will read Thomas the Tank Engine with just as much heart on the 19th time as I did on the first time :) Toot Toot, Thomas.

Dylan & Eric

Last night I went to a play produced by my fellow Columbia students! So much talent at this school. There was not a dry eye to be found. The play was so shocking and enlightening. It took my breath away. The play was about the events leading up to the Columbine massacre. Not something that is fun or light hearted, but life ain't always that way! This play was written using first hand accounts eye witness accounts, home videos from the boys, and interviews with family and friends.

I didn't sleep much last night. My mind raced with a million questions, and my heart ached for those that were forever changed.The first thought I had was how thankful I am that something like that never happened to me when I was in school. Selfish, I know, but I can't wrap my head around it. I was also thinking about all my nieces/nephews/nanny kids/other honorary nieces and nephews I have that attend school. My heart dropped even lower. These boys were so young and so full of evil. How could two young boys be enraged with that much hate at such a young age?

Another thought that has been twirling around in my little head, is how am I treating people? I am at a school that I really don't have much in common with outside of my ASL crew. (This school is so open minded to drugs, sexual experimentation, and anything that helps with the "creative process." Ugh.) So this is a charge to myself. I need to pray for my fellow students. I need to make sure to smile and be a source of light. Some of the kids I have met here have had a r.o.u.g.h. road. Life hasn't always been kind. I am the first to say we are responsible for our own choices, and I will stand by that. However, sometimes just hearing stories about some of their lives breaks my heart. So as a Christian I need to show love not pass judgement. We had a kid on the 8th floor a few weeks ago kill himself. he put his car on the train tracks. Come on!!!!!!!!!!

The other little thought nugget I have been chewing on his how do is God in any of this mess? Seeing the actors in their black trench coats made my stomach turn. The hair on the back on my neck stood at attention when I saw the photo from the actual event.  How do you move on from that? How do you find the courage to walk down a hallway again? How do the parents of the shooters ever heal? The answer is it must be a very long road. A road that is lonely and seemingly desolate. But I believe that the Light will always cancel out any darkness. I do believe that God has worked this evil situation out for his good.

Cassie Bernall was a victim of the shooting. She was asked if she believed in God and said yes. That was it. She was shot and killed instantly. Some people dispute this fact. Some say it wasn't her, but someone she was next to. WOW. This girl was 17 years old! (which ever one it was.) She was in the middle of the one of the worst situations a person could ever be in and she still said yes. I don't even know if I could do anything other than pee my pants in a situation like that. Let alone be brave enough to say yes, yes I believe. So my spirit isn't as restless as it was last night. There is evil among us everyday, yes! The battle is not of flesh and blood but of the spirit. It's on TV everyday. A person can't watch the news without seeing some sort of bad story about someone killing someone, or some other senseless act of violence that ends in bloodshed. However, I refuse to let that be the last word. The battle as already been won. This was just on my heart. Amazing how a two hour play could resonate so deeply into my soul and help to shake me. It's easy to feel world weary and jaded living in place like this. So I ask all of you to pray for me that I am a light up here. Also, pray for the people at your work place, your children's schools, people you encounter everyday.

Keep praying for Ben, Brenday & Family! It's a been a long road for all of them. He is doing so well despite this crazy road he has been on. It's not all for not! God is good all of the time, and all of the time God is good! :) https://www.facebook.com/CplBenjaminGardner?ref=ts&fref=ts

Roomies

I have lived alone for the past few years. I have loved every stinkin' mintue of it. BUTTTT. ( as Mr. Kracium would say,  "The bigger the butt the bigger the problem." Alas! I have no problems. haha! Don't judge! )  This semester I have a roommate. It wasn't in my original plan to have one, but when is it ever?! Here are a few things I have learned over these past few months. 

1). I have been told ..that I snore ...(doubtful, very doubtful!) ha.
2).  Grace is always cold & I sweat like a Hebrew slave.
3).  We use a roll of TP every 3 days.
4). If you looked at the shower drain and saw all the hair, you would think we were both bald as a baseball bat!
5). It really ain't that bad ;) Well, as long as you don't ask Grace! ha!

That's what has been interesting about Columbia. I am learning so much everyday! I am learning about ASL, Deaf culture, Deaf people, Chi-town, CTA, and everything! There have been some wonderful friends/teachers and people in general that I have met up here. They have all been so wonderful to me. Grace and I are good friends. It's been a HUGE challenge for me to learn to live with someone, but it's learning experience everyday for me. This school has been such a blessing to me, and an answer to so many prayers. It's a very intense program, but it's so worth it! This whole 'roommate' situation is a new experience for me. So continue to pray for me please :) Around my desk I have pictures of all of my nieces/nephews and some other little kids I consider nieces/nephews ( and their wonderful artwork!!! ) It's a blessing every day to see all of their little (growing up too fast, boo) faces!

I am amazed everyday at how much my life has changed. It really has been wonderful. I feel like I have my feet on the ground for a change. I feel settled and content. God is so good! :) Having a roommate has even helped me be a better person. I am now more aware of how my actions impact others. I think for awhile I turned into myself a little bit (maybe too much?). I wasn't used to dealing with others on a daily basis. This is good for me. I am constantly being challenged and changed.

'Cause when I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

P.S. Keep praying for Ben!!!! He is getting better everyday! So Strong! Please continue to pray for the whole family! Thank you! https://www.facebook.com/CplBenjaminGardner?fref=ts

Judy Garland

Judy Garland was famous for playing Dorothy on the Wizard of Oz. Duh. Well she sang a little song that pretty much all of creation knows. "Somewhere over the Rainbow" there is a line that says Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Well I have found my blue skies. I am in Chicago. Not only am I living here but I love every minute. The sound of the "L" screeching past my room, or the skyscrapers I see out my windows. This town is what I love. Some people don't understand, some don't even like it. I don't care! I can't even begin to tell you the amount of blood, sweat, tears, and prayers that went into this being possible. Thank you to everyone who helped me get here. I love you all. More than I say. Also a big a thank you to my mom && dad. It ain't always been easy but we have stuck it out. I love you both && I don't know where I would be without you. Just a little bit longer and all of this college mess will be done! I miss but family, but being here lets me be apart of something bigger than myself. You all have taught me so much. Grace, Josh, Addison, Ivy, Maddox, Israel & Abel, I love you all. I'm sorry I can't always be there to see you all grow up. I have all of your pictures around my computer desk :) Taye, Shaye, Shannon, Haley, Beans, Joyce Anne, it's been a pleasure. You all have been with me through the good and the dumb. Fatty, I love you, I would be delighted to get kicked out of Wal-Mart with you any time! You all are priceless to me. Come see me everyone! I would love to show you around my city :)

Home this is home

Now I'm finally where I belong

I have been searching for a place of my own

Now I have found it.

Baby this is home.

P.S. Ben is doing so much better. God has been so good to him. Please continue to pray for him && check out his prayer page && share it. https://www.facebook.com/CplBenjaminGardner?ref=ts&fref=ts

Bee Waggle

I have learned that bees do this "dance" called the Bee Waggle. I am not making this up, this is not me being a hillbilly and using a funny name. Scientists with fancy degrees and white coats call this the Bee Waggle. What is it? Sounds like a dance that people do after ingesting too many yellow jackets. WRONG! This dance is what bees do to show other bees where the food is. Big deal, so what, who cares, next.... WRONG MY FRIEND,WRONG! This is a huge deal because bees that haven't left the hive for 3 hours are still exactly right on telling the other bees where the food source is. ( TOLD YOU :) BUT it doesn't stop there ( I was totally floored by this, seriously mouth open going say wha?) Ever 15 minutes the sun goes down so the direction the bees must fly changes every 15 minutes. Is this amazing to anyone else?!!?!?! 

I took this to mean that if God cares about the bees he cares about ME! 

Yes God cares about me,duh. He dies for me and all of that. I have heard that COUNTLESS times in my life. However, I have lost my way bit over the past year. Been a little bit of a rough one. A lot of hard lessons,a lot of big changes. HOWEVER, this bee waggle information hit me like a mac truck. It is so easy to feel like because things haven't worked out the way I wanted them to I sometimes equate that with God's love. Well if he loved me then I would have X,Y,Z....WRONG!

This means that the God who spoke the world into existence with is breath still knows how many hairs are on my head. All 9 of em! My prof said that this amazing because they are born with this knowledge...well DUH but who made the bees?! MY JESUS! He loves me and he loves you. It is a very simple concept, not hard to understand, but it is deeply profound. If God makes sure the bees have food what makes me forget he will move Heaven and Earth to come rescue me when I call his name? It doesn't have to be in the front pew of church or Sunday school. He hears me when I am praying for protection,or walking down the streets of Chicago. He is a God that hears my prayers when they are silent but coming from the sterile walls of a hospital. He is faithful to complete the work he started in me. I believe that. So when this ol' world seems too much I will remember the Bee Waggle. I will remind myself open my eyes and look up. This reminds me on rough days to not get discouraged but to know that when I pass through the water I won't be overcome. The water might be at my lower lip, but I won't drown. 

So let this knowledge about the bees bring you comfort as we all go about our lives. Life turns on a dime as many of us have learned this the hard way. So everyday, even on the ones that suck remember that God still loves you. He loved us when we didn't love him. He loves us still on days when we totally blow it. 

Romans 8:37-39 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

24+1

What does a birthday mean? It means that after a bit there will be so many candles on my cake it will look like the burnin' of Atlanta! No numbers ya'll. After 25 years on this earth I have learned a few things. One of them is that I am blessed with many many people that love me. However, my favorite present this year was being able to attend my nephew's bday party. It wasn't some big shiny car, or a fancy pair or shoes, or Nars cosmetics.Shaye also asked if I wanted 30 Sunday News papers for my birthday. Smarty Pants! Happy Birthday to Shaye Shaye. She was born the 3rd I was born the 4th. So..that means smarty pants will be old before me. HAHAHHAHAHA. 22 hrs and 30 minutes but still! :) Anyway...Maddox's birthday party was SO.MUCH.FUN.
There is something so wonderful about celebrating life! Especially when that life is Little Mr. Handsome! Have you all seen this kid?! I used to think my birthday was all about me. It is really ;) Just kiddin! For the first time on my birthday I was working for something bigger than myself. I was exhausted. I had driven all day, stopped at Shayes, and chased around some very sneaky milshake straws! (Also, made a moron out of myself at midnight in the Mcd's Drive thru) Only to discover what I had been chasing around was in the third drawer. Who knew?! Not Ash or Brandon! Ha. More to the point. We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning (it's a tradition) getting the house ready for the party. I also killed the BIGGEST spider I have ever seen. I mean HUGE.This sucker had his own area code. Brandon sprayed Spider-Die (Ok Ok it has a real name but that's what I call it) I stepped on it with is shoe! CRUNCH! :) long story( never is with me)  short the party was great, baby was cute and the cake was to die for :) What hit me driving home really late and I was TIRED was that I was a part of something bigger than myself for once. I can't remember the last time I did something for somenoe else. It seems like everything lately has been about my move, or school. or me. me me. me. me.me.me....Stephanie Stephanie Stephanie S.T.E.P.H.A.N.I.E.
The conclusion it is a wonderful feeling to be a part of something bigger than yourself. I was. I had forgetten how good it felt to help somenoe out. It was one of those times you leave exhausted and your eyes are tired, however your sould feels refreshed. There is an old country song (ain't there always! hehe. "The longer I live the more I believe you do have to give if you want to recieve.." I have been blessed with  more than I can ever give. So I take that as a challange to give as much as I can! Even if it is somethin I bought with a coupon @ CVS.

P.S. PLEASE PRAY FOR THE GARDNER FAMILY. THERE IS A FACEBOOK PAGE PRAYERS FOR BEN GARDNER. MANY OF YOU KNOW THIIS FAMILY HAS ALWAYS AND STILL IS VERY SPECIAL AND VERY NEAR MY HEART. LOOK IT UP! PLEASE! :)